Thursday, April 15, 2010

Abandonment, Rejection and Paralysis


I have grown up in a home with a mother and father who are followers of Jesus. My parents are children of the living God. The God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. When you grow up in a home like the one I had you do not experience rejection, abandonment or emotion paralysis. God is faithful to those who put their faith in Him.

Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. So that we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me. (Heb 13:5-6)

There is no more crippling event in the life of a person than to be abandoned by those they hold most dear. As I have said it is not an experience I am well acquainted with in my own time but I have witnessed it a number of times. What I am realizing is the rejected will often times reject to prevent future abandonment and will over time become emotionally paralyzed. The initial rejection causes rejection and everyone gets to be rejected.

It is painful to see someone consumed with the hurtful events they have experienced. God is the only one with the answers. I will relate a thought I had last night that is a bit abstract but had some meaning to me. I will just type it out as it comes to mind.

Eyes are like windows and gazing is like a beam of light. I know when my gaze is not met by someone I love there is darkness. As I turn my head here and there the beam of my gaze crosses the beam of another’s gaze. I am very disrupted when a dear one avoids my gaze or when in my own heart I am unwilling to meet the gaze of another because of my own dark thoughts. Like beams of light faster than the blink of an eye vision is communication. After sight may come sound. Words to make the vision clearer or to hide the truth in the light of the eyes.

The light of the body is the eye: therefore when thine eye is single, thy whole body also is full of light; but when thine eye is evil, thy body also is full of darkness. Take heed therefore that the light which is in thee be not darkness. If thy whole body therefore be full of light, having no part dark, the whole shall be full of light, as when the bright shining of a candle doth give thee light. (Luk 11:34-36)

When anyone I know well and am in close communication with is rejected it either shakes them and causes them to doubt everyone they hold dear around them or it drives them to seek out those few who they are convinced will not harm them. It is understandable when they break the closeness to protect themselves but no less painful. When they will not be seen and will not listen you are shut out. It is within everyone's power to completely die to another.

Here is the word I live by that helps me to fight this selfish impulse to abandon people to save myself from pain or discomfort. It is only God who can do this work in His children and it is a work He is continually doing in this disobedient child's life.

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. (1Jn 4:18)

Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing. Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away. For we know in part, and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away. When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity. (1Co 13:1-13)

At the heart of all of this is the God given desire to family. To be loved for who we are and to be free to love without the fear of rejection. When someone is rejected they learn to reject. Sometimes this rejection causes the one you love to die enough inside they will not give you audience to hear what you have to say. Pray to God that you may know the truth and that the rejected will know the truth. The truth is freedom.

What I would say to the rejected is this: We will all die and this is why we must all learn to live in the now. We must not brutalize ourselves with what might be in the future. Live right now in the present circumstance with God as your guide. Do not take on responsibilities that belong to others. Know full well what your responsibilities are and give God the responsibility to heal those who have rejected you. With the Holy Spirit as your guide cast out fear and love those who have proven their love for you. Cast out the shadow of rejection and abandon the expectations you have locked to those you look to for healing and love them right where they are at. There is no circumstance that God cannot turn to joy. Parents show your children how a child of God can thrive even in the face of rejection. God will never reject or abandon us. We do not need to be destroyed by rejection. Parents teach your children.


  1. Wow, this was beautifully written, thank you. I have a ridiculous question to ask that relates to this and perhaps you could help? What do you do when you want to be a friend with a person who seems to like you, but keeps a distance from you and seems to only want you as an aquaintance. I am speaking in terms of friendship not relationship. I know a mom like me who is Christian (our kids the same age), but doesn't seem to be interested in fellowshiping with me. I do not know her too well and I haven't recently offended her in anyway, it just seems to me that she's not interested in my friendship. I have offered to get together on several occasions and still no interest. I have experienced this a few times now with different people. Maybe I'm not popular enough, or perfect in my faith enough, but it bothers me. Sometimes I feel like Christians put themselves at different levels. And if you don't act perfect enough or talk about God enough in front of them, they would rather not have you around. Does this make sense? I know I really shouldn't care what people think regardless of who they are, but I still do. And it seems like the people I want to be friends with the most are always the ones that are not interested. Any suggestions?

  2. I have a theory I live by. I try diligently to be like Christ around everyone. There are plenty of folks right now that I would love to be closer to and have been very open to fellowship with them.
    What I never want to do is gain favor by appealing to their sense of obligation to be nice or misread good manners for the desire to spend time with me. Time is a valuable commodity and as you know have a brand new little girl it must be wisely spent.
    Jesus never coerces us only remains with open arms. He is never anxious and uses a still small voice. I try to allow people to be my friend by giving them plenty of distance and treasure all the more those friendships that are grow this way.
    The majority of the folks around you will be repulsed by a truly vital walk with the Lord. Remember: Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. Matthew 10:34. He that is not with me is against me; and he that gathereth not with me scattereth abroad. (Mat 12:30)
    As soon as I am walking outside the Lord's best for me I want to avoid my Christian brothers and sister becuase the light in their life shine on the darkeness that has crept into mine.

  3. Thank you for your feedback Noshoes, it isn't right to change oneself for the sake of another's approval anyways. It's so easy to focus on the negative instead of being thankful for those who have chosen to be a friend to me. Fellowship with other Christians has always been a challenge for me. ~:o)

  4. Wow Billy... For someone who doesn't know rejection from experience, you sure know what you're talking about... I know I am or shall I say, I have chosen a life of rejection... You're right.. it's fear. This one song in Hungarian pictures it best by saying that we allow the shadows to chain us up if we chose to fear...
    It's so funny though... I don't like living in fear.. I even do so much exercise to prove to myself I am strong, but inside I shut the door... and fear is in there and it makes me weak, which is exactly what I don't want to be. Lately... I have been trying to allow love to grow, but it's hard. I can only allow certain kinds of love... Love for my family.. love for my daughter... But when it comes to friends and relationships... I try to give a little and then I get rejected.. and I do a complete 180... I lock it all out. I fill myself with the things I can control like movies, writing, work, etc... But there is always that emptiness. That feeling of wanting.. And so I find a 'friend'. But only for a few hours or a day or two, but never more. I can't get used to the idea of actually having to share myself with someone for more then what I feel to be ok or 'safe'. Which seems very selfish, but somehow it works...
    I know that the road i'm on is not really the one that God mentions in the bible.. But in a sense... I don't feel too bad, but I do feel like something is a bit off..
    Thanks for writing this blog. It was really neat to see how there is an actual explaination for what it is I am going through...
    Thanks for letting me vent and for listening :)


Make my day or not with a comment!